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(Lack of) Self Confidence/Self Worth

I have absolutely no self confidence ever so like

I’m not going to be able to work on that until after I feel like I stop owing people shit.
aka after I graduate.
i have no self confidence because I feel like any or every single thing I have done so far is because/for the benefit or someone else.
Everything I have “acheived” is because a) I have to b) it is expected of me or c) to make my mom look good. Because I was raised to believe that I am an absolute waste of a life and or space unless I have. done so.
so. yea. Until/unless I’m able to work on what *I* want to do, with no other ulterior motives in the back of my mind, until I’m able and willing to be able to concentrate on what *I* actually am interested in or want to do, untill I can separate my own desires/wants/interests from what OTHERS IMPOSE upon me, I WILL FEEL LESS THAN WORTHLESS AS AN INDIVIDUAL.
because I feel like I was born just to be a fucking robot and act/perform in a certain way just to ‘entertain’ or like… whats the word. validate someone else’s existence.
ya feel me?
my self confidence is tied to my self worth. so until/unless I feel like my life is actually MINE and WORTH SOMETHING, I will never feel self confident or worthy or any other type of shit like that.
i wish i was prettier
i wish i was nicer
i wish i was stronger
i wish i wasn’t so weak
i wish i had more strength
i wish i had more experience
i wish i could connect better
i wish i cared more
i wish i could handle more
i wish i was different
i wish i wasn’t me
i wish i could change.
i wish i could be different.
i wish i could fit in
i wish i could be happy
i wish things were different
i wish i could tell
i wish i knew
i want to know
i wish i understood
i want to be accepted

sometimes when i deal with people

it feels like everything that happens whenever they talk, my mind comes up with a detached analysis that ends up being biased against the other person

only to have that thought erased like a whiteboard mark as soon as i make it

it feels like my mind is a place that is slowly being filled with the dust from all the whiteboard erases. the ink is still there. the words are just gone. you can probably write your own thoughts on the erased words of my own.

hahaha.

Day 1: Your Best Friend

All I can think of about that title is that it’s a song from Undertale. It’s the boss battle, and it’s kinda creepy.

I have many best friends. lol. I say this quite a bit. BUT you are my best friend FRIEND. Not my best friend like a family member.

I hope you know that. lol. I know I hurt your feelings a lot a loong while back when I said you weren’t one of my closest friends but I know that I was yours. tbh you know how bad I am with being close to people in general though. I just hate being. awkward. and weird. and I know I’m awkward and weird and so many things.

This is a letter to you though. I don’t know what to say. You are one of my best friends. You are my best Friend. So far. Most likely. Yea I would say so really. I talk to you like almost every day and it’s just nice.
Thanks for being there.

You are important to me. I really needed/need someone to just listen to me or just talk to me and you were there mostly. We both helped each other.

You know me.

I feel like you’re one of the only people that actually know who I am. Not just who I pretend to be or who/what I show myself off as. I am just comfortable in your presence, so much that I don’t need to talk or anything really. It’s nice. You accept me for who I am, like so few of my closest friends. You keep me grounded enough…

I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough. I don’t know how to. lol. I try.

I don’t know what else to say. You’re a great friend. Thank you so much for being there for me… LOL.

I need graduation tickets…

Distraction – writing

//I should work on doing something relatively productive or at least consistent…
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

 

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

check back everyday for the next one..

What is happiness

People have been telling me some things lately.

These words and phrases kinda get stuck in my head, like when you only think about that one certain thing instead of the numerous other things you can think about.

… I’m tired.

But it bothers me that these. words. have such an effect on me.

am i really self critical. and do i really not give myself enough credit. and i actually self centered. i know i hate myself. but. what’s the point.

Everyone keeps telling me to do something that makes me happy… What if nothing does??

The depths of my apathy knows no bounds.

I can do things that used to make me happy. I do. I still continue. But I cannot CONNECT. It feels like something is missing. It feels like.

I DON’T KNOW. I hate it and I don’t know. I don’t know and I hate it. I can’t tell which one it is anymore.

I’m so tired.

lonliness?

there’s always this voice in the back of my head about how I will never be happy. or how I’ll always be by myself.

I feel like for the most part that’s true. I’m usually alone when I do my things. Even being with friends feels strained at times, because everything is within a group of people who already know each other really well and all have connections between each other.

its weird to consider that I am one of those people and that I do have connections too; it’s just that I don’t think I’m as close to most people as they think I am. … maybe it’s my fault. I’m not usually close to people anyways.
I might SEEM close. I might be really happy and talkative and just overall really welcoming/inviting/nice/kind/etc to people. and people see that and they get comfortable with me.

they aren’t close to me.

I mean maybe I don’t let them close to me? But. I don’t tell them much about me really. Most people probably don’t know I have a really. shit. family. I don’t tell people. I don’t want to tell people.

I’d hate to see their reactions; I’d HATE to see their pity. I’d absolutely hate to see their worry and fear and concern for me. For me?? there could be no way. I’m fine, see I’m smiling. IM SMILING ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT ME
I hate that. I hate it so much. Why do I want to cause the people I care about any MORE pain than they’re already going through??? What does my life have any importance on theirs that I would/could affect them in such a way? NO. I’d. rather just hide it.
I mean. family problems are a big problem in most places now anyways. No one talks about it that much. no one.

No one would talk about how much it would affect them. If they tend to get depressed because of it. Or have contemplated suicide. You don’t tell that to most people. You don’t tell that to casual acquaintances.
… Are my friends just acquaintances to me? What is the difference… Is there some hidden qualification before people just open up to you or before you open up to people? Is there a time limit? Does something have to happen?

Is that why I don’t trust people? Or is it really even that I don’t trust people.
Is it that I don’t want to worry people. Is it that I don’t want to be close to people? Is it that I don’t believe they’ll trust me or believe me??

I think it’s bad that I can point out a few times I did confide in people. and then terrible worse things happened. They didn’t believe me; they dismissed my problems. I mean I don’t think they were doing that intentionally it’s just. Their actions kinda set in me this whole reaction or belief that everyone would act the same way. I mean if one person does it maybe they’re just a jerk but if more people do it maybe it’s common, you know?
how would I know what’s common among people when I feel like I barely have friends.

lol ironic; I know too many people. I do have good friends I think. I know I have at least a few that I can count on.
I don’t know how much trust I extend to other people though…

is that what stops me from being close to people. or is it kinda the norm to not be involved with other people. I mean there is the trend that as you grow older you start losing connections because no one is ever really free, and there are only those certain few that actually MAKE time for you.

I suppose everyone is in some cases slightly lonely.
I don’t know how much it has to do with trust, but I do love my friends. I hate making them worry. I hate it when they worry. I would never ever want to be the source of their worries. Ever. I would hate myself more.

I guess that is the greatest irony.
I hate telling people my problems because I don’t want people to worry about my problems.
But I need to tell people so that they know. So that they understand. So that they won’t hate me when I suddenly drop off the face of the earth. Will that happen because I trust them? Because I love them? When I stop being selfish or closed off?? Will someone else be the ones to tell them what happened to me… ?
It’s not that I don’t trust my friends; far from it. I believe in them. I would want them to know things that are important and relevant in my life. I tell them more than I would tell most people, almost anyone really.
Then why can’t I just TELL them when things are hard for me….

I suppose I’m selfish. Or that I feel too whiny. Maybe my extremely low sense of self worth comes into play here too.
But there is still that nagging feeling that they don’t trust me as much or that they won’t…

Even if they knew. even if they didn’t trust me. Even if they…. if anything.
I would absolutely completely hate myself for causing any more harm or pain to or for other people.
It might be arrogant to assume that any of my problems would have such an impact on them.
It might be dumb to think that I’m not important to them.
It’s incredibly stupid that I don’t tell at least SOMEONE my problems.

but it’s hard.

to tell people that I do have problems. that I am trying to deal with it. to please please hopefully understand what I’m going through. please don’t hate me. please don’t get worried. please don’t leave.

if they left because of me… were they really my friends…. would they even be my friends in the first place. LOL
who knows. I guess that’s why I don’t let people in.

it is just a cycle after all.

You can be emotionally abusive towards yourself

I’ve believed I was worthless since a very young age. I would say around 5th grade, when my mother didn’t forgive me for not returning a library book and so chased me around the house with a broom and whipping me with a belt so that I’d have bruises on my butt for days.

lol side note; I told so many people in school apparently that there were cops outside my house for a few weeks. Apparently even my aunt called. Anddd that was also why I was put into a counseling session (along with my best friend at the time but I think she had different reasons).
Damn I needed more counseling sessions. LOL they let me go too easy. shiitt man.

kay anyways.
Her whole attitude for not forgiving me… I remember looking into a mirror after I locked myself in my room crying, just trying to escape her wrath. I hated how I looked. I hated how weak I was. I hated how I couldn’t breathe whenever I cried*. I hated how much I cried. How weak I was.
I should be tougher. So then they won’t see me cry.
Even then I developed that mentality that I couldn’t trust my family, that I wasn’t good enough to be loved or forgiven from them. That quickly turned to spite (I mean tbh my family Suuuuuccckkkkssss so much don’t even get me STARTED bruh) and anger. Anger at myself.
I can’t control others, so I should try controlling myself. and my reactions.
*I’ve had exercise induced asthma since I was a child – almost died from it in fact, but that’s another story. So whenever I cried, my lungs or the airways would just tighten uncontrollably and I couldn’t breathe. Oh, I didn’t know I even HAD exercise induced asthma (at least for sure) until I was 15. So. Lyfe. //no one cared about me enough to check boo hoo  [letting out all the negativity slowly… slowly getting better with all of this writing.]

Keep in mind this was literally 5th grade. I was 10.
This should NOT have been my mental state then!
YES, every Asian family does something like this and YEA ofc people are going to call it abuse BUT THE THING IS. To me, the reactions that it caused were the SAME as if I was being abused, SO THEREFORE I WILL CALL IT ABUSE.
[**my cousin once said that every corporeal punishment that most Asian families inflict upon their children would always be called abuse “when it should build character” or some such reason. … I mean. It IS abusive. It might not be the continual “abuse” that most people would categorize or define. Or like. even admit…
look okay, idk what abuse really is. people never talk about it or they end up dismissing it; like every mental fucking problem is just. ignored? that’s not healthy.
I can’t handle any more of this imbalance and all of my mental. problems. anymore. I can’t. I need to face them; that’s why I’m writing this.]

It just continued from there. My mom didn’t love me (or so I thought. tbh still think), so I was unworthy of love. Just because I did something small, something stupid. And apparently that was unforgivable.
I was so dumb for taking out a library book without checking it out [because I didn’t have a library card because I would always lose them because my mother would give me the TINY SUPER EASY TO LOSE CARD and keep the bigger one for herself and because she would always get super mad and annoyed at me every single time I lost cards because I loved reading]. (It was a mistake to get caught.)
I was so stupid for making my mom mad.
I was unloved because she reacted so negatively. My sister even saw our mom whipping me and she did nothing.
I was so weak because I am crying. I’m so weak for not being able to breathe. Of all the things you suck at, YOU EVEN SUCK AT BREATHING.
I’m so weak because I let people see me crying. What was it about bullies? ” Don’t let them see you cry. They’ll just pick on you more.”

So no, Mom, I’m not going to let you see me cry anymore. It’s not like I can run to you when I’m crying anyways if YOU’RE THE PERSON CAUSING ME TO CRY. My sisters didn’t care about me, Dad was never home.

I could only rely on myself. How I hated that. How I hated myself for that. My self hatred, spite, and overall… negative mental state. Could probably have started to stem from there.

I was stupid to let something like that happen.
I am unloved, because I was not forgiven and because that punishment was so extreme. She never punished me anywhere close to that ever before.
I was pathetic for crying (and stupid for getting caught).
I was weak for letting it get to me. I needed to toughen up.
I am worthless because all I did caused pain and annoyance.
I am weak so I must get stronger. I am pathetic so I must get stronger.
I hate how I am so much because I view myself as so weak. worthless. pathetic.
All of the little tiny details that just make it easier to say, “you’re not good enough. no one loves you. look at you you’re so fat and ugly. of course no one loves you – NOT EVEN YOUR FAMILY LOL YOU PATHETIC WRETCH WHAT USE ARE YOU ANYWAYS”
and all of the. really. terrible things that would’ve continued further.

Honestly it just compounded the negative messages I received; honestly everything felt terrible. I was probably. definitely. incredibly depressed during middle school [lol my piano teacher probably felt the worst of it because she’s like a parental figure to me and yet my own parents… tbh, it was also hard to just play and be able to express my emotions. lol… thinking back on it. my skill probably plateaued because I was so depressed. I wasn’t as involved or as passionate as I could have or should have been. I love music. Love it. It’s one of the things I will always treasure and value. If I ever stop it will be like I am dead. … I was really bad back then… ]

But the thing is… so many of my friends were going through something like the same thing. Was this teenage angst? (* symptoms: dismissing my problems, making light of my own situation, I mean if even everyone else is feeling the same thing I can’t be that special right?, if this is something everyone goes through then what right do I have to complain the same way, someone always has it worse/etc; stop complaining at least you have a family that takes care of you… etc.)
It might as well have been. We all suffer together at least, right? lol…
They… that environment might not have been good for me either, as it either fed off or I fed off the same vibes that they gave off…
They were… worse I suppose… They cut. and… basically did all the things “basic emo kids” did. I was part of the group, but I never really joined in cutting or. many other depressive habits… [I don’t see the point in causing myself any further physical pain than I’m already in/why would I cause myself more pain than what is already inflicted upon me]

A problem was that I didn’t really tell them about my problems much either. tbh I didn’t tell… many people. LOL I don’t tell people SHIT because to do so otherwise is to admit that I’m weak and I need people.
And letting them KNOW. just. makes everything worse and more complicated and people start CARING and INTERFERING and. I can’t stand the pity. I still see it as pity. I can’t recognize the concern people have. It just makes things WORSE overall. I hate making people worry. [my mom, whenever something would happen to me or something. she just GOES TO THE FUCKING EXTREME. AND IT STRESSES ME OUT MAN. I HATE TELLING HER THINGS BECAUSE SHE FUCKING STRESSES ME OUT AND ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO TELL HER THAT SHE STRESSES ME OUT BECAUSE SHE WORRIES FOR NO REASON AND HER WHOLE ATTITUDE/ATMOSPHERE JUST AFFECTS ME SO MUCH AND ITS SO PAINFUL TO BE AROUND A CONSTANT WORRIER AND ON ONE HAND SHES SO NAIVE ABOUT SHIT AND SHES SO CHILDISH AND CANT TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY BUT ON THE OTHER I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF SHES LITERALLY CARING ABOUT ME OR WHATEVER THE SITUATION WILL COST HER SINCE I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE SHE DOESN’T SEE ME AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A LOSS OF INCOME. HOLY FUCK] (I have many problems with my mother. please ignore that. thanks.)

So that whole “stoic samurai” type thinking got to me I guess. I was pathetic and weak so I shouldn’t let other people depend on me or get close to me otherwise they’d get sucked in too. So I didn’t talk to people for a really long time about anything that happened to me.
Even though it’s super heavy.
Everything. All bad.
My emotional self abuse just continued and got worse until I started recognizing it and identifying it, calling it out as it’s own extreme negativity. I didn’t realize how much I still continued it though. I didn’t realize how much it was still ingrained into my habits and thoughts, my manner of speaking.
I didn’t recognize that you could be emotionally abusive towards yourself rather than having something external just continually speak to yourself about it.

Today was good I suppose, where I finally realized that. I’m letting out so much anger and stress and just. pain…
There’s so much that I’m going through. that I went through tbh. I’m. slowly learning to deal with it.
Okay… I’ll post up. more things eventually. This is enough for now.

After meeting with my Project Partners

Well now.

I’m so tired.

I am passive in confronting others/dealing with conflict. okay. I need to work on communicating. more clearly

“in general communicating clearly would be more prominenent”
“its just that you need to communicate the moment something like that happens you can be passive and still communicate”

I don’t know. I hate bringing things up.

and then they just said “well you have everything”

okay but what are you doing??? so then I can do whatever you’re not???

“no just be more proactive!!!”

I don’t get it since I don’t know the whole plan between each person.

I can’t work with people. possibly not true.

but either way it’s hard to work with her.