there’s always this voice in the back of my head about how I will never be happy. or how I’ll always be by myself.

I feel like for the most part that’s true. I’m usually alone when I do my things. Even being with friends feels strained at times, because everything is within a group of people who already know each other really well and all have connections between each other.

its weird to consider that I am one of those people and that I do have connections too; it’s just that I don’t think I’m as close to most people as they think I am. … maybe it’s my fault. I’m not usually close to people anyways.
I might SEEM close. I might be really happy and talkative and just overall really welcoming/inviting/nice/kind/etc to people. and people see that and they get comfortable with me.

they aren’t close to me.

I mean maybe I don’t let them close to me? But. I don’t tell them much about me really. Most people probably don’t know I have a really. shit. family. I don’t tell people. I don’t want to tell people.

I’d hate to see their reactions; I’d HATE to see their pity. I’d absolutely hate to see their worry and fear and concern for me. For me?? there could be no way. I’m fine, see I’m smiling. IM SMILING ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT ME
I hate that. I hate it so much. Why do I want to cause the people I care about any MORE pain than they’re already going through??? What does my life have any importance on theirs that I would/could affect them in such a way? NO. I’d. rather just hide it.
I mean. family problems are a big problem in most places now anyways. No one talks about it that much. no one.

No one would talk about how much it would affect them. If they tend to get depressed because of it. Or have contemplated suicide. You don’t tell that to most people. You don’t tell that to casual acquaintances.
… Are my friends just acquaintances to me? What is the difference… Is there some hidden qualification before people just open up to you or before you open up to people? Is there a time limit? Does something have to happen?

Is that why I don’t trust people? Or is it really even that I don’t trust people.
Is it that I don’t want to worry people. Is it that I don’t want to be close to people? Is it that I don’t believe they’ll trust me or believe me??

I think it’s bad that I can point out a few times I did confide in people. and then terrible worse things happened. They didn’t believe me; they dismissed my problems. I mean I don’t think they were doing that intentionally it’s just. Their actions kinda set in me this whole reaction or belief that everyone would act the same way. I mean if one person does it maybe they’re just a jerk but if more people do it maybe it’s common, you know?
how would I know what’s common among people when I feel like I barely have friends.

lol ironic; I know too many people. I do have good friends I think. I know I have at least a few that I can count on.
I don’t know how much trust I extend to other people though…

is that what stops me from being close to people. or is it kinda the norm to not be involved with other people. I mean there is the trend that as you grow older you start losing connections because no one is ever really free, and there are only those certain few that actually MAKE time for you.

I suppose everyone is in some cases slightly lonely.
I don’t know how much it has to do with trust, but I do love my friends. I hate making them worry. I hate it when they worry. I would never ever want to be the source of their worries. Ever. I would hate myself more.

I guess that is the greatest irony.
I hate telling people my problems because I don’t want people to worry about my problems.
But I need to tell people so that they know. So that they understand. So that they won’t hate me when I suddenly drop off the face of the earth. Will that happen because I trust them? Because I love them? When I stop being selfish or closed off?? Will someone else be the ones to tell them what happened to me… ?
It’s not that I don’t trust my friends; far from it. I believe in them. I would want them to know things that are important and relevant in my life. I tell them more than I would tell most people, almost anyone really.
Then why can’t I just TELL them when things are hard for me….

I suppose I’m selfish. Or that I feel too whiny. Maybe my extremely low sense of self worth comes into play here too.
But there is still that nagging feeling that they don’t trust me as much or that they won’t…

Even if they knew. even if they didn’t trust me. Even if they…. if anything.
I would absolutely completely hate myself for causing any more harm or pain to or for other people.
It might be arrogant to assume that any of my problems would have such an impact on them.
It might be dumb to think that I’m not important to them.
It’s incredibly stupid that I don’t tell at least SOMEONE my problems.

but it’s hard.

to tell people that I do have problems. that I am trying to deal with it. to please please hopefully understand what I’m going through. please don’t hate me. please don’t get worried. please don’t leave.

if they left because of me… were they really my friends…. would they even be my friends in the first place. LOL
who knows. I guess that’s why I don’t let people in.

it is just a cycle after all.


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