I’ve believed I was worthless since a very young age. I would say around 5th grade, when my mother didn’t forgive me for not returning a library book and so chased me around the house with a broom and whipping me with a belt so that I’d have bruises on my butt for days.
lol side note; I told so many people in school apparently that there were cops outside my house for a few weeks. Apparently even my aunt called. Anddd that was also why I was put into a counseling session (along with my best friend at the time but I think she had different reasons).
Damn I needed more counseling sessions. LOL they let me go too easy. shiitt man.
Her whole attitude for not forgiving me… I remember looking into a mirror after I locked myself in my room crying, just trying to escape her wrath. I hated how I looked. I hated how weak I was. I hated how I couldn’t breathe whenever I cried*. I hated how much I cried. How weak I was.
I should be tougher. So then they won’t see me cry.
Even then I developed that mentality that I couldn’t trust my family, that I wasn’t good enough to be loved or forgiven from them. That quickly turned to spite (I mean tbh my family Suuuuuccckkkkssss so much don’t even get me STARTED bruh) and anger. Anger at myself.
I can’t control others, so I should try controlling myself. and my reactions.
*I’ve had exercise induced asthma since I was a child – almost died from it in fact, but that’s another story. So whenever I cried, my lungs or the airways would just tighten uncontrollably and I couldn’t breathe. Oh, I didn’t know I even HAD exercise induced asthma (at least for sure) until I was 15. So. Lyfe. //no one cared about me enough to check boo hoo [letting out all the negativity slowly… slowly getting better with all of this writing.]
Keep in mind this was literally 5th grade. I was 10.
This should NOT have been my mental state then!
YES, every Asian family does something like this and YEA ofc people are going to call it abuse BUT THE THING IS. To me, the reactions that it caused were the SAME as if I was being abused, SO THEREFORE I WILL CALL IT ABUSE.
[**my cousin once said that every corporeal punishment that most Asian families inflict upon their children would always be called abuse “when it should build character” or some such reason. … I mean. It IS abusive. It might not be the continual “abuse” that most people would categorize or define. Or like. even admit…
look okay, idk what abuse really is. people never talk about it or they end up dismissing it; like every mental fucking problem is just. ignored? that’s not healthy.
I can’t handle any more of this imbalance and all of my mental. problems. anymore. I can’t. I need to face them; that’s why I’m writing this.]
It just continued from there. My mom didn’t love me (or so I thought. tbh still think), so I was unworthy of love. Just because I did something small, something stupid. And apparently that was unforgivable.
I was so dumb for taking out a library book without checking it out [because I didn’t have a library card because I would always lose them because my mother would give me the TINY SUPER EASY TO LOSE CARD and keep the bigger one for herself and because she would always get super mad and annoyed at me every single time I lost cards because I loved reading]. (It was a mistake to get caught.)
I was so stupid for making my mom mad.
I was unloved because she reacted so negatively. My sister even saw our mom whipping me and she did nothing.
I was so weak because I am crying. I’m so weak for not being able to breathe. Of all the things you suck at, YOU EVEN SUCK AT BREATHING.
I’m so weak because I let people see me crying. What was it about bullies? ” Don’t let them see you cry. They’ll just pick on you more.”
So no, Mom, I’m not going to let you see me cry anymore. It’s not like I can run to you when I’m crying anyways if YOU’RE THE PERSON CAUSING ME TO CRY. My sisters didn’t care about me, Dad was never home.
I could only rely on myself. How I hated that. How I hated myself for that. My self hatred, spite, and overall… negative mental state. Could probably have started to stem from there.
I was stupid to let something like that happen.
I am unloved, because I was not forgiven and because that punishment was so extreme. She never punished me anywhere close to that ever before.
I was pathetic for crying (and stupid for getting caught).
I was weak for letting it get to me. I needed to toughen up.
I am worthless because all I did caused pain and annoyance.
I am weak so I must get stronger. I am pathetic so I must get stronger.
I hate how I am so much because I view myself as so weak. worthless. pathetic.
All of the little tiny details that just make it easier to say, “you’re not good enough. no one loves you. look at you you’re so fat and ugly. of course no one loves you – NOT EVEN YOUR FAMILY LOL YOU PATHETIC WRETCH WHAT USE ARE YOU ANYWAYS”
and all of the. really. terrible things that would’ve continued further.
Honestly it just compounded the negative messages I received; honestly everything felt terrible. I was probably. definitely. incredibly depressed during middle school [lol my piano teacher probably felt the worst of it because she’s like a parental figure to me and yet my own parents… tbh, it was also hard to just play and be able to express my emotions. lol… thinking back on it. my skill probably plateaued because I was so depressed. I wasn’t as involved or as passionate as I could have or should have been. I love music. Love it. It’s one of the things I will always treasure and value. If I ever stop it will be like I am dead. … I was really bad back then… ]
But the thing is… so many of my friends were going through something like the same thing. Was this teenage angst? (* symptoms: dismissing my problems, making light of my own situation, I mean if even everyone else is feeling the same thing I can’t be that special right?, if this is something everyone goes through then what right do I have to complain the same way, someone always has it worse/etc; stop complaining at least you have a family that takes care of you… etc.)
It might as well have been. We all suffer together at least, right? lol…
They… that environment might not have been good for me either, as it either fed off or I fed off the same vibes that they gave off…
They were… worse I suppose… They cut. and… basically did all the things “basic emo kids” did. I was part of the group, but I never really joined in cutting or. many other depressive habits… [I don’t see the point in causing myself any further physical pain than I’m already in/why would I cause myself more pain than what is already inflicted upon me]
A problem was that I didn’t really tell them about my problems much either. tbh I didn’t tell… many people. LOL I don’t tell people SHIT because to do so otherwise is to admit that I’m weak and I need people.
And letting them KNOW. just. makes everything worse and more complicated and people start CARING and INTERFERING and. I can’t stand the pity. I still see it as pity. I can’t recognize the concern people have. It just makes things WORSE overall. I hate making people worry. [my mom, whenever something would happen to me or something. she just GOES TO THE FUCKING EXTREME. AND IT STRESSES ME OUT MAN. I HATE TELLING HER THINGS BECAUSE SHE FUCKING STRESSES ME OUT AND ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO TELL HER THAT SHE STRESSES ME OUT BECAUSE SHE WORRIES FOR NO REASON AND HER WHOLE ATTITUDE/ATMOSPHERE JUST AFFECTS ME SO MUCH AND ITS SO PAINFUL TO BE AROUND A CONSTANT WORRIER AND ON ONE HAND SHES SO NAIVE ABOUT SHIT AND SHES SO CHILDISH AND CANT TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY BUT ON THE OTHER I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF SHES LITERALLY CARING ABOUT ME OR WHATEVER THE SITUATION WILL COST HER SINCE I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE SHE DOESN’T SEE ME AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A LOSS OF INCOME. HOLY FUCK] (I have many problems with my mother. please ignore that. thanks.)
So that whole “stoic samurai” type thinking got to me I guess. I was pathetic and weak so I shouldn’t let other people depend on me or get close to me otherwise they’d get sucked in too. So I didn’t talk to people for a really long time about anything that happened to me.
Even though it’s super heavy.
Everything. All bad.
My emotional self abuse just continued and got worse until I started recognizing it and identifying it, calling it out as it’s own extreme negativity. I didn’t realize how much I still continued it though. I didn’t realize how much it was still ingrained into my habits and thoughts, my manner of speaking.
I didn’t recognize that you could be emotionally abusive towards yourself rather than having something external just continually speak to yourself about it.
Today was good I suppose, where I finally realized that. I’m letting out so much anger and stress and just. pain…
There’s so much that I’m going through. that I went through tbh. I’m. slowly learning to deal with it.
Okay… I’ll post up. more things eventually. This is enough for now.